The Shame of Suicide

14 Aug

Robin Williams’ death has suicide at center stage.  The internets are flooded with reflections on suicide prevention, whether or not suicide is selfish, how to recognize a call for help, and many other thoughts on suicide.

One thing that’s held my attention is the family of Robin.  Robin left behind a family.  This family is grieving at the loss of a best friend, a husband, a father, a funny-man, a man full of life.  This family is dealing with the publicity of his death.  This family is dealing with the aftermath of suicide in a very public forum.  They cannot hide the circumstances of his death.

I could.

You see last March, my father committed suicide and I’ve been wrapped up in the shame of it all.  My father committed suicide.  That sounds so outrageous.  Robin Williams’ death was eerily familiar.  How could such a sweet man with so much to live for take his own life?

There is such a stigma with suicide.  There is no glory in it.


If I shared the circumstances of my dad’s death with someone–be it the local coffee shop owner as I showed up at 6:15 am and uncontrollably burst into tears or a well-meaning friend–I would often be faced with “Was he depressed?”  As if a “Yes” answer would give him reason to take his life.  As if a “Yes” answer would wash away my despair and make me the selfish one for grieving his loss.  He was suffering and you couldn’t expect him to live like that forever.  

To this question I would offer a “No.  Not really.”  Much like Robin Williams he a happy man.  A smart man.  A genuine, gentle, loving man who could strike up a conversation with anyone and make him feel special.  He lived life out of the box and was spontaneous.  He was full of life, joy, and zeal.  However, there was the side of him that appeared in the days before he took his life.  A man with struggles, worries, and feelings of inadequacy and insignificance.

My shame gave the answer “No. Not really,”  It’s hard to reconcile that the man who brought me to life decided that his life was not worth living any more.  It breaks my heart.  I don’t want anyone to define my dad by his final moments.  Please don’t let that be how you remember him!

As I reflect on my shame and the shame other suicide survivors may experience I remember the story of the bleeding woman in Luke 8.  She had been hemorrhaging for 12 years and no medical treatment she sought had helped, but only left her broke.  She knew Jesus could heal her.  So one day when Jesus was surrounded with a crowd of people she approached him and touched the hem of his garment.  She was hopeful that she could touch him without anyone seeing her. Shame.  She felt shame in her ailment.  Immediately she was healed!

But then Jesus asked “Who was it that touched me?”  What would she do?  She didn’t want the attention!  She was hoping to quietly receive the healing without anyone seeing.  Jesus was addressing her shame.

Embarrassed she says “I touched you.  It was me.”  She poured out her shame in front of everyone.  Jesus responds sweetly to her “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace.”  

What Jesus was exposing in that moment was not her weakness and shame. What he was exposing was her faith. He wanted her faith visible so that everyone who carries a secret shame — which is every one of us — might have hope.  -Jon Bloom.

God can take the shame we feel in the aftermath of suicide and turn it into a “showcase for His grace.”

Birthday Reflections – Created for Good Works

14 Aug

Yes, my birthday was a month ago, but I thought I’d share some reflections from that day.

A birthday outing with my Sweet Ones.

A birthday outing with my Sweet Ones.

I am a cherished work of art–made to be exactly who I am.  Each character trait, each strength, each idiosyncrasy was part of my design.  

I was created to fulfill a specific work which God prepared for me before I was even born.  (Ephesians 2:10)

When we start thinking about engaging in works that God has prepared beforehand for us to participate in our eyes are taken off of ourselves and focused on what God is doing.  It’s not about me–it’s about Him!  but guess what?  He loves me so much–so so much.  I m His treasure–His inheritance.  He is letting me participate in his grand plan.  Me!!

God has prepared work for me to do before I was born–meaning I was born to fulfill these works.  My aim should not be to find something I might be good at, but to find what I’ve been created to do.  God gave me specific skills to fulfill these works in order to bring him glory.  The things I’m good at aren’t for my glory nor for making a name for myself–but to bring him glory and make His name famous. 

Somewhere in the midst of this all I will find Jesus as my satisfaction!

While Daddy’s Away…

28 Jul

Mike was out of town for a funeral this weekend.  I stayed at home with the kiddos because you never know what can happen with little ones at a funeral.  This was my first extended period with 3 children by myself and the Lord was gracious with me.  He provided me with wonderful community to have us over for dinner, help me keep my kiddos in line, and keep me company.  I loved my Saturday morning on the sidewalk watching the neighborhood kids ride their bikes.

The Lord knew I needed to quiet my heart in the evenings after putting the kiddos to bed.  He met me and reminded me of His deep love for me.  So often I look to Mike to fill this need to be loved and having him gone was just what I needed to remember that it is God who loves me perfectly and completely.  Being filled with this love I was able to lavish love on my three Littles.

Freezy goop.  1 cup cornstarch, 1/2 cup water, liquid water colors.  Freeze for messy fun.

Freezy goop. 1 cup cornstarch, 1/2 cup water, liquid water colors. Freeze for messy fun.

Ezekiel joined in the freezy goop fun.

Ezekiel joined in the fun.


He’s all about sensory activities


Love these kiddos!




Ezekiel – 9 Months

26 Jul

Ezekiel has been outside of the womb for as long as he was in. Crazy.

Our household has gotten a lot busier now with this guy on the move.  He’s always getting into Big Brother’s creations and Big Sister is often at Ezekiel’s aid and defense.  It’s sweet to see the three of them interact .

Can you get over how cute he is?  Baby Model

Can you get over how cute he is? Baby Model


Tidbits about Ezekiel-
*He is pulling himself up on the coffee table, on his crib, on the stairs.  Watch out!  This baby is mobile!
*His facial expressions have become more serious, but he still smiles whenever he makes eye contact with someone
*He’s understanding that crying gets him picked up.  And boy, does he work the tears during dinner time.
*He chases the Roomba
*Mama- First word.  He says it when I get him up in the morning.  “Ma ma ma.”

Meeting Daddy for a lunch picnic.

Meeting Daddy for a lunch picnic.


In his favorite hangout - the front porch.

In his favorite hangout – the front porch.




Sharks are afraid of heights

11 Jul

At night I find it best to end the day laughing.  It’s a great way to drift off to sleep.  Much better than going over the events of the day or the to-do list for tomorrow.

Here’s what made me laugh last night.

A Nobody

9 Jul

For the past year or so I have been working through some of the lies I believe, trying to get to my core lie.  The lie that drives me to  pursuing idols.  The lie that drives me to seek control.  The lie that sends me into self-pity – running from God and those who love me.

You are inadequate.  

This lie enters my heart daily.  You are forgettable.
You’re a nobody.
You are not good enough.
You have no special gifts or talents.
You should be doing more. more. more…

We were at a church function several weeks ago.  A woman introduced herself to me for the third or fourth time.  She remembered my children, my husband, but not me.  This is okay.  I forget people’s names occasionally.  I forget where they live, what they do, what they like to eat.  We aren’t supposed to remember everyone or everything about everyone.  So she forgot meeting me.  Big deal.  But then the lie enters my heart.  You are not memorable.  

This lie brings me to trying to create a name for myself.  An identity worth remembering.  I don’t even realize I do it.  I tell myself I don’t want to be Supermom and, yet, deep down I do.  I want to make pretty things, cook tasty food, keep my family healthy, look pretty, have a lovely home.  I want to be known as this person.  I pursue an identity. I do this all the time and don’t even realize it.  I don’t see how the things I do and the idols I pursue stem from the lies I believe. It’s exhausting.

I’ve been working on healing this lie with truth.  You are somebody.  Your a daughter of God, a wife, a mom, a granddaughter, niece, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, auntie, and friend.

And yet, this isn’t Truth that heals my brokenness.   There is freedom in being a nobody.  I want that freedom.  Striving to be a somebody has left me weary, drained, and ragged. Again, there is freedom in being a nobody.  How?  I am free to be a nobody because He is The Somebody.

Ezekiel – 8 Months

8 Jul

Another month gone by with this sweet little man.  It’s been a whirlwind and I forgot to post.  Hazel and Ambrose spent a week with their grandmas and I took every opportunity to “get stuff done,” and before that Ezekiel had hand, foot and mouth.  These days are flying by.

Ezekiel-8 months

Very active at 8 months.

Tidbits about Ezekiel-
*He is an efficient crawler.  As he was learning he would excessively lift his hands in the air.
*He responds to his own name.  He’ll turn to look at you when we say his name.
*He’s understanding object permanence.  He’ll look for a toy once he’s dropped it, or look for us when we’ve left the room
*Laptop charger, balloons, and magazines:  favorite “toys” he can’t have
*Momma’s water bottle, stacking rings, and a plastic rattle: favorite toys he can have
*Still cackles when he laughs
*Salmon roe: favorite baby food


Goober face. Showing off my new teeth.


Goober face.

Ezekiel in the sand

Ezekiel playing in the sand. It wasn’t too long before the sand was in his mouth.


First Ever Family Vacation

20 Jun

First night fishing with Daddy

We have never jet-set anywhere together as a family.  We have never road-tripped across the country.  Those adventure-filled days aren’t here yet.  But wouldn’t you know, we have never even taken a long weekend away together as just a family!  That all changed last weekend.

DSC_1089 - Copy

Daddy showing the kiddos the bucket of fishies.


Caught a bunch of bluegills and bass

We rented a little cabin on Shell Lake in Wisconsin and enjoyed a quiet 3 days away.  We fished, swam, played games, grilled out, and just enjoyed one another’s company. No vacation is complete without hiccups.  Out of our 72 hours there we were without power for 20 hours.  We gladly did without the tv.  We reluctantly did without the lights, white noise machines, and heat (Inside the cabin was a chilly 58).  But the electric stove was dependent on electricity, and even the water needed a power source.  Those things caused my heart to grumble a bit.  “This isn’t the vacation I had planned.”  So the Lord and I wrestled a bit and He once again reminded me to place my hope in Him–in Him alone.


Can you feel the elation that I caught the biggest fish?


An evening around the campfire.


Lessons in roasting marshmallows.

All in all the vacation was just what our little family needed.




These deer blend into the shed. But it was so sweet to see the fawn trot right behind his momma.


Baby Ez giggling at his Daddy. So sweet.


Ezekiel loved the beach. Playing in the water. Digging in the sand. Eating the sand.


Oh sweetness. He’s so precious!


A beauty on the beach


Ambrose loves playing in the sand. He filled his buckets up and brought the sand back into the water. Busy work!

Ezekiel – 7 Months

2 Jun

Seven months caught me by surprise.  Life’s been slightly busier than usual with the end of the school year, the start of summer activities, planning a family vacation, and new job prospects for Mike.  Life’s always busy.  For everyone. But I really wanted to document this baby’s milestones.

Ezekiel is staring to grow into his own personality and it’s fun to see what sort of boy he’ll grow into.


7 Months

Tidbits about Ezekiel-

*He gives these big, squinty goober grins.
*He’s a mover and a shaker…just like all boys
*Main mode of transport is rolling.  He also army crawls a lot.
*During the last month he started eating solid foods.  He eats a traditional, digestible, nutrient-dense diet.  Homemade bone broth, egg yolks, liver, and sweet potatoes  His eczema has really cleared up!
*He likes laying in the grass and playing with the grass blades.
*He took off his diaper during his nap and then pooped.  He then crawled through it and rolled over in it.  So gross.
*Still sleeping through the night
*Gone are the days when he would sit still for a diaper change


He’s a strong man


I used to wonder if I had a brother what would he look like? This. He’d be handsome like this boy!


EZ Joe stuck his face in the sand in our new sandbox.

Hitler banana mustache

Hitler banana mustache

Joining in on art time.

Joining in on art time.

Ezekiel – 6 Months

27 Apr

Happy Half Birthday Baby Boy!

The forecast predicts 10 days of straight rain and gray days, but Ezekiel can brighten up any rainy day.  He is such a delight!  Lately he’s been scrunching up his nose when he smiles and giving a big goober-grin.

6 month Collage

26 inches
16lbs per our bathroom scale


Tidbits about Ezekiel-

  • 1st tooth.  2nd tooth on its way!
  • Can easily roll over from front to back and has rolled over from back to front a few times.  This will be helpful when he finds himself on his back in his crib.  NO more helpless turtle!
  • Pulls himself on all fours and rocks back and forth.  He’s even crawled two “steps.”
  • Has slept through the night for 3 nights in a row!  6:30pm-6:30am.
  • His fuzzy-wuzzy hair is growing straight up.
  • Enjoyed his first Easter with his Granny.
  • Loves his new exersaucer from Grandma.

Fun sibling time with Big Sister Hazel


Bouncing in his Johnny Jump Up


Ready to crawl!


Brother Photo bomb

Sleeping with my pal Sophie.

Sleeping with my pal Sophie.


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